I got no words.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

I've been going over my stack of books in my room; from my AP Stylebook, also known as the bible, to all of my SparkNotes Career: Publishing and my copyeditor's handbook. Tons of advice on what to abbreviate, how to write, how to start your career, etc. However, in none of those books did I find advice about what to do during that moment when you feel like you are losing your love for writing. When you have to make the hard decision between money or your writing.

About 6 months ago, I took a position at a magazine after staying there for almost a year, in an unpaid position. An editor job barely 6 months out of college? That doesn't happen to everyone. I couldn't say no, so I dropped my traveling plans and stayed in this town that has seen me through some weird, bad and often good times. I just couldn't contain the elation. At first, it was fine. I wrote as much as I could but over time, writing became scarce and editing was all there was left. As the months passed and the work piled up, writing became something I had to get over with so I could live my life. "I gotta turn in those stories on time!" was all I could think about. Quality didn't matter, only that I made the deadline on time. The stress took over and broke me in half.

That's not why I started doing this in the first place. That's not why the second I took that first Journalism class I fell in love with it. That's not why I withstood unpaid hours, 10 internships and endless sleepless nights. I wanted to make a difference, not only because I wanted to inform people, but because it liberated me. Writing is an outlet from me. No matter where I am in life, I will always be writing: for the public or for me. That second I see the blank screen and the cursor staring back at me, basically saying "bring it on..." it keeps me sane.

The first day of my freshman English class my teacher quoted Don Delillo:

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals."

and then she proceeded to assign us a paper on "Family Guy." I live by that quote now.

I was unhappy. Writing literally became a burden. I wasn't writing about what I wanted. I had no control over the final product. Plus the deadlines were destroying my personal relationships. No one understood why I stayed up until 4am writing articles about the next upcoming band or about the sustainable future of Atlanta. I kept on, because this was my dream. Well, it still is. But when I started hating it, I had to stop.

When you are writer, words are your soulmates. After and before them, there's nothing else but them. You have routines around them that only make sense to you. Even when you talk to other writers, they don't understand, because they have their own secret routine as well. That's why I sacrificed so much for them. Without writing, I have no outlet.

I lost myself among the bylines, readers and strict deadlines but I don't regret it.

So now I'm writing for myself and trying to find my own voice because I seem to have lost it somewhere between finishing college, trying to find a job and everything in between.
I left that position and moved on to a different area in order to pursue writing at my own pace and on my own terms.

Writing deserves that much, if not more. It has never let me down.